| TIME (BP) in millions of years |
ERA/EPOCH | LIFE FORMS | GEOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENTS | |
| 5000 | Atonal | Rocks | Mountain ranges upthrust; continents form | |
| 3000 | PRECOCIOUS | |||
| Catatonic | Ugly Green slime | Earthquakes and volcanoes | ||
| Prophylactic | Green slime w/ orange spots | Volcanoes and earthquakes | ||
| 505 | ORTHOPEDIC | |||
| Accordian | Seashells | Torrential rains | ||
| 425 | Pedestrian | More seashells | Thunder and lightning | |
| 360 | Freudian | Slimy things | More rain | |
| 325 | Artesian | Slimy things w/ tentacles | More thunder and lightning | |
| 280 | Pestiferous | Nasty crawly things | More rain, oceans form | |
| 230 | Obstreperous | Lots of nasty crawly things | Rain w/ intermittent volcanoes | |
| 205 | METATARSAL | |||
| Cryptic | Big warty things | Swamps form | ||
| 165 | Styptic | Really big warty things | Hot, drifting continents | |
| 135 | Creosote | Warty things too big; start over | Even hotter, lots of mosquitoes | |
| 75 | CRETINOUS | |||
| Obscene | Little hairy animals | Cooler, 20% chance of comets | ||
| Uglyscene | Big hairy animals | Windy, small continent warning | ||
| 39 | Vaseline | Animals w/ silly horns | Cold, w/ night and morning glaciers | |
| 28 | Listerine | Animals that don't understand about tar pits |
Fair inland, patchy fog near coast | |
| 12 | Ovaltine | Shree trews | Great weekend for a barbecue | |
| 1 | Plasticine | First homonyms | Smog alert | |
| 25,000 years ago |
Recent | Modern person; first Republicans |
Freeways upthrust; suburbs form | |
| 15 minutes ago |
Very recent | Computer nerds emerge | Fast-food chains develop | |
from: Weller, Tom. Science Made Stupid. Boston: Houghton Mifflin. 1985.